Attachment
by Pen Sil
Summary: Attachment means suffering. It isn't only his teachings as a monk that has lead him to that conclusions but his experiences in life as well, from his own life, from what he sees in his comrades. Still, he cannot let go of his attachment to her, or her attachment to him. [Kurotabou x Torii]


**ATTACHMENT**

* * *

He is born from the thoughts and hopes of children orphaned by war. He is a protector of their youth; someone who is there to make sure they will reach adulthood so they can fend for themselves. He prides himself on this existence, is happy to follow those he does, and trusts his companions.

He's lost his way once, but the people he cared for had helped him find it again.

He loves his clan, he knows his restrictions.

He swears he'll never change.

He cares for human children, he doesn't mind the adults. He has sworn allegiance to one of mostly human origin.

It should be nothing more.

Especially after Sanmotou. He won't allow his being to be swayed unknowingly by humans again. His innermost being, his heart and soul, are free and critical so he can make decisions that will benefit all.

And yet.

He doesn't stop protecting her. Even after she grows up.

* * *

Torii Natsumi tends to attract danger wherever she goes. He doesn't think it is merely her friendship with the young master that is at fault here.

There is something about her soul. He can sense it in her that she is closer than most to the sacred. It should lie in her name and in her distance to Nirvana. He knows her family has once held a shrine in Tokyo, but that they gave it up some generations ago. He knows her grandmother taught her more about kami than she let on when she was first introduced to their world.

Perhaps those are the reasons. He knows that yokai are often pulled in by the sacred. Nurarihyon is like that. Minor yokai are like that. It is the yin and the yang that will continue to eat at each other, like the law of tao predicted.

Not that she always actually calls for his help. Often she ends up getting in over her head and only a passing Rikuo or some other coincidence saves her. The fact that she doesn't seem to care shows the goodness in her heart.

The fact that he seems to sense her danger even if she doesn't call for him, even if she is almost grown up now, shows his attachment to her

* * *

It's vexing.

He is a monk!

He has sworn to show no attachment to anyone.

He knows that attachment breeds suffering! He's seen it in Rikuo, he's seen it in Rihan. Yamabuki Otome and Oikawa Tsurara had both inserted themselves too far into the hearts of the two Nura Heads. Watching Wakana live without her husband gives him little hope for though she smiles proudly he still hears her crying at night once in a while. His attachment to Sanmotou is another proof that he cannot blindly follow anyone.

Yes; he's a fallen monk. Yes; that means he has forsaken the teachings of buddha. And it is true. He will never not kill for the sake of others, he will never not protect those he cares for. But he is still a fully ordained monk with all the teachings that follow such a title. He can never fully let go of the knowledge that had been drilled into his mind.

* * *

Rihan would laugh at him, and his son does smile when Kurotabou enters the compound carrying an unconscious Torii Natsumi.

"I did wonder why you vanished," Rikuo says as Kurotabou places her on the tatami some distance away. "You look annoyed, friend."

The monk casts a last glance at the girl and joins his master. Tsurara appears with tea. She bows to the two before leaving again, and Kurotabou easily catches the lingering glance that follows her.

"Why are you hesitating?" he asks Rikuo when the door has been closed for a sufficient amount of time.

Rikuo smiles knowingly. "Even I am afraid of what an attachment can bring," he says. "And even if Hagoromo-Gitsune's curse is lifted I still fear that something else will come and take her away."

Kurotabou thinks that's a silly reason. Tsurara is a full Yokai; she is not like You-hime, who was restrained by a human lifespan, nor is she like Yamabuki Otome who was bound by a curse and lost her life because she wanted to unbind her husband. Tsurara is healthy and there for the taking, all Rikuo would do by waiting and hesitating is hurt her.

"I see you are judging me," Rikuo says. "But are you not the same as me? Your training might have taught you not to get attached, but considering that you are already attached to everyone here in the clan, that's a little late to star following those rules now, isn't it?"

Kurotabou's eyes travel to the young woman lying by the wall. She has grown beautiful over the last five years, since he first met her. Her hair has grown as long as Tsurara's, her complexion as refined. She is doing well in her first year at Tokyo University. Now if she would only stop associating herself with Kiyotsugu she might actually be somewhat safe from Yokai.

"You can't start restricting where she goes if you don't intent to keep her," Rikuo points out. "And she'll keep sticking her nose in our business as long as she knows about us."

"If I actually decided to keep her she'd be plunged head first into our business," Kurotabou says. "Right now she's only standing at the edge of the ocean."

The supreme commander grins, his red eyes flashing. "But aren't we the monsters at the bottom of that ocean, waiting to reach up our hands and drag them under? Isn't that what we do?"

* * *

She goes to the shrine of Senba-sama often, praying and leaving paper-cranes. The kami watches her with worried eyes one evening.

"Your red string is stretched," he comments to her, appearing on the top of his shrine.

"I thought that was just a myth," she says, one of her eyes opening, yet she keeps her palms together, her head bowed.

The god laughs at that. "After all you've seen, my child, can you truly believe that any myth is just a myth?"

She smiles and finishes her prayer. "I suppose not," she says, and rises. She dusts off her knees. "I have to get back to studying."

"Work hard, and become a good doctor," he says.

Natsumi smiles and waves. She comes here as often as she can, feeling eternally in the god's debt. She can't not do her best to keep him there.

Kurotabou sits down beside her when she's waiting for the train fifteen minutes later. It's a surprise to her because she rarely sees him while the sun is still up.

Natsumi knows it's probably an insult but she can't help but laugh at the way he's dressed. He looks at her in surprise and she waves her hand. "Sorry, sorry," she says. "It's just. The suit. And you haven't changed at all, have you?"

He smiles a little sadly. "We don't change on the outside," he says. "Only the inside changes."

She hears the warning there, but she can't help but smile. "Usually the changes on the inside are the most important," she said. "That's what I've learnt from watching Nura. Emotions and thoughts, acceptance of who were are and who we're not. They're all part of what it means to be alive."

"You're wise for your age."

"So I'm right?" she grins at the compliment.

He nods and she adds. "But I'm still childish, aren't I?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Well," she shifts so she can look up at him. "If I didn't still resemble a child in some rather large aspect you wouldn't be here, would you?"

* * *

It occurs to him then that she has faith in him, that she trusts him with her life. And her heart, according to Senba-sama. Her fate-line is stretched because its other end is bound to him and he insists on keeping his distance.

He knows he'll be the cause of her suffering if he doesn't talk to her about this. He needs her to choose. If he was completely honest with himself he knows what he wants her to say.

* * *

The train arrives before he answers her question. She rises and he knows he's running out of time, knows he will keep pushing it away if he doesn't say something now.

"What do you want, Natsumi?"

She looks around at him, puzzled. "I don't understand what you mean..."

"Senba said it; your string is stretched. It's shredding. You're going to have to make a choice."

She steps closer and takes his hand. Her smile is adoring and innocent, and he admits to wanting her. Still his hand hangs limp in hers. "I don't want to lose this attachment," she admits, her voice quiet, her cheeks reddening. "I'm but a mere human and I can't let go of the things I care for. That is not for me in this life."

"How can you be so sure?"

Her smile widens. "I met you, didn't I?"

He sighs and runs a hand over her hair. "You have to let go of some things, Natsumi. What about your dream of becoming a doctor? What about helping Senba?"

"I'm sure Yokai need some patching up too, once in a while," she laughs. "Especially yokai as lively as the members of the Nura clan. And I can still go here to pray to Senba-sama. I will always be human after all."

"You've thought about this," he says, his hand closing around hers. He feels lighter.

"Of course I have. I'm a girl; we wreck our brains with stuff like this."

He smiles and she grins, and her train departs. "Shoot," she exclaims, turning to watch it go, her hand slipping a little from his. "I had to -"

His hand tightens around her, and he pulls her back. "Don't worry," he says, pulling her close. Her face blooms at the contact and he finds his smile spreading into a rare grin. He suddenly feels childish and playful. "There are faster ways for you to get where you have to be."

* * *

Natsumi thinks it's the easiest thing to be in love with Kurotabou. She isn't so sure about actually getting to know him.

He's a silent force in her life now, always there when she's free from her human obligations. He's just there, beside her in the train, sitting in her armchair, reading.

Once in a while he vanishes; he has duties to the clan, after all, and she does need her space so it's fine.

She sees him at the house too, spends more time there than she usually does. She helps Wakana and Tsurara in the kitchen. There she sees his more childish side. He's great friends with some of the other yokai and she gets a little jealous.

"Be patient," Wakana says one evening as she comes back with a bowl full of broken glasses. "He's not all that good with women, even if he brags like the best of them."

Natsumi smiles and remembers their first meeting. She thinks she knows what Wakana is talking about.

"Oi, Torii!" Zen bellows and she gasps, almost dropping the sake cup she's cleaning.

"Yes?" she calls when she's done fumbling.

"That bastard to Kurotabou says you're studying to become a doctor," he says and enters the kitchen. "Since that's the case and he's obviously decided to keep you, you're going to end up treating more yokai than humans."

Natsumi hesitates to answer. There's something incredibly unnerving about being told exactly what Kurotabou's intentions with her are in such a blunt and angry manner. "I'm well aware, Zen-sama," she says at last.

He grins. "So let me teach you," he says. "The Zen Group has always been the one to handle healing - and poisoning, of course - I wouldn't want that to change."

"Now, now, Zen-sama," Kurotabou says, appearing with a cup of sake in one hand. "You're not trying to lure her into an alliance, are you?"

"You were the one who asked me to teach her."

"Sure, but I didn't expect you to try to steal her as well."

Zen sniffs indignantly. "As if I'd ever want to steal something from you," he snaps. "My own body is trying to murder me, there's no need to quicken the procedure."

Natsumi looks from one to the other. "Can… can I say yes to this offer? Or has it been pulled off the table?"

Both yokai look at her. Kurotabou nods, while Zen says "sure, you can say yes, didn't you listen to a word I said? I can always use the extra help, but you're going to have to do as I say and it'll be hard work."

"Right," Zen says and suddenly twists to face Kurotabou. There's a sudden tension in the air as the two men seize each other up. "While I teach her she's under my house. With her human education as well as her yokai education she's going to be busy and I need you out of her hair. Can you agree to that, monk?"

* * *

He doesn't stay out of her hair. Well, he tries to, but he can't. He makes sure not to get in the way of her work. He keeps her company on her way to university, and back again. He watches over her when she prays to Senba-sama, makes sure no yokai outside the clan gets its hands on her.

Zen expresses great satisfaction with her work pace, and she seems happy. For now that is enough for Kurotabou. He's aware her biological clock is ticking. She is only human, and though that is no reason to look down on her as many outside the Nura Group would, the only thing against her there in his book is her aging pace.

"You're looking increasingly worried," she says one summer's day. She's on holiday and so she has some free time.

She's wearing a summer dress in deep blue and her long legs are showing. He thinks she's a little too tempting, and when she reaches up to touch his bangs he grabs her hand to stop her.

Natsumi blinks up at him, a little confused. He pats her hand and puts it down. "I'm fine," he says, voice quiet.

"Don't give me that," she says, frowning up at him. "I think I know you well enough by now to be able to tell when something is bothering you -" she puts her hand on his cheek and forces him to look at her "- won't you trust me, Kuro?"

"I do trust you," he tells her and takes her hand. He kisses her knuckles tenderly. "Come," he adds, pulls her closer and they are off.

* * *

She lets a tear slip once he is done talking. It isn't often he says so much to her in one go so she knows his worries are legitimate.

Natsumi knows it's been on her mind too; that's why she works so hard. She wants to be done with her educations so she can start spending her time and thoughts on him. She wants to be with him because she loves him, but she knows she has to have something she can do. She is from a modern time and she can't just be someone who works the kitchen. She needs something she loves to do.

Now that he has spoken up she can see the fear in his eyes, the worry. He knows he has allowed his attachment to grow and he knows that he will suffer because of it.

Natsumi isn't sure what she can say to him to ease his fears, but she takes his hand and holds it to her heart. "Do you feel that?" she asks.

He cocks his head to the side and there's something wicked in his eyes. It sends a pleasant chill up her spine, something she hasn't felt from him before. "You mean your heart, right?"

She blushes to her hair, and lets go of his hand immediately. "O-of course I meant my heart, you pervert," she stutters, glaring at him. "And here I was trying to cheer you."

He grins. "And you did," he says, "but please. Continue."

She sighs and drags a hand through her bangs. "I was just going to say something about how it'a proof that I'm alive _now_. And you know, I've quite forgotten why I wanted to cheer you up."

She doesn't get to sulk. His arm is around her waist before she's even aware he's moved and he kisses her brow. "Natsumi," he says, voice low, "I know that eighty years is a long time, and I intend to enjoy them to the fullest. I am merely vexed that I have very little of your time these days."

* * *

Two more years passes and she finishes her education. Things have changed over time and though she is not done with her apprenticeship under Zen Rikuo has started employing her frequently. This means that the members of the clan have started to respect her for her work and not just as someone partially belonging to Kurotabou and partially to Zen.

It is now she has to start to explain herself to her parents, which is a hard thing to do because she can't explain. She can only lie and say she is working, but for a private institution.

Natsumi knows that Kurotabou has promised to stay off her until after her apprenticeship finishes, but she thinks her parents would be much less worried if she'd get a regular job or get married. She knows they'll be a little annoyed if she doesn't use the expensive education she's been given. But what can she do? Her path has been chosen for her and she isn't unhappy.

She can't help complaining to Kurotabou one evening a few weeks before her graduation. "I mean, how will I even pay back my student loans?" she asks. "Will I even get paid for working for the Nura Clan? Where would the money come from?"

She throws the cloth she's been using to dry the dishes on the counter and stalks over to him. "Well?" she asks, when he doesn't answer.

He puts his book down and looks at her, a half smile dragging at his lips. "Of course, Rikuo will pay you. We all get paid for what we do," he says, taking her hands in his. "But Natsumi -" he drags gently on her hands and pulls her down into his lap "- the Nura Clan is a traditional yakuza. Where do you think the money comes from?"

She hides her face in the crook of his neck. "I don't want to know," she sighs and she can feel the silent chuckle rumbling in his chest.

* * *

They marry only a few months after she finishes her apprenticeship under Zen. It is a simple ceremony in the Nura Clan main house, with her beaming mother and grumbling father present. They don't know that they're marrying their daughter away to an immortal being, a yokai, but everyone else knows, everyone else has been taught to keep quiet.

It is all he can do to keep from touching her as soon as he sees her. She is wearing a beautiful kimono in whites and greens with pink sakura flowers dotting the fabric and standing out. Though her smile is small her eyes are shining like radiant emeralds, and he can feel her happiness so clearly.

It is only when they are together and alone at last that he realizes that he has married. He is supposed to be a monk sworn to celibacy, but, he thinks smiling, like all the other vows he was born with he supposes he will break even that. He finds he doesn't mind at all.

* * *

"You know, in this book it says that the difference between kami and ayakashi is that one has been purified by a buddhist monk and the other hasn't."

She comments on this as he passes her on the veranda. She's leaning against the wall, watching Kappa play in the pond. Rikuo is dozing in the large sakura tree. On his chest a toddler lies securely under his arm.

Kurotabou stops to sit beside her, his eyes traveling briefly to her swelling stomach. It is a small swell, but it sends a strong feeling of pride and happiness through him. "What are you reading?" he asks and pulls the book out of her grasp. "'Buddhism first introduced to Japan'?"

He lifts his gaze and raises an eyebrow at her. "Don't go believing everything you read," he says. "This is just the human view on it."

"Very true," she says, pursing her lips in thought. "But I like the idea. Through this view it doesn't matter if the yokai is good or bad. It's all about whether they follow buddhist doctrine or not. Actually, wasn't that how Ao became an ayakashi? The children he was protecting -"

He grabs her hands and silences her with a kiss. She swats at his arm but quickly gives in to him anyway. When he lets go her cheeks are flushed and she is slightly out of breath. He kisses her temple and whispers to her, "there is no need to mention the past out loud when we both know what it contains."

"Very well," she sighs. "My point was merely that I think Ao did the right thing; he protected the children, even if it meant doing bad things to ensure they stayed protected."

"And what about me?"

"Well," she says, "you are the same. Only cuter."

From the tree Rikuo laughs at that comment.

* * *

The more time that passes the more he thinks he understands. It isn't about how much time they have together. It isn't about focusing on the separation. It's about being happy, making sure nothing comes between them. Yamabuki left because of the curse; because no one understood the extent of Hagoromo-Gitsune's wrath. Because she left Rihan prematurely, because she took her own life, because she was unhappy. That was what caused the suffering. Nurarihyon rarely spoke of Youhime, but though Kurotabou knew he missed her, her passing had not caused him as much suffering. They had been happy together, after all. That was what mattered.

He visits her grave every year on her birthday until there is no grave to visit anymore. He misses her, but he knows she was happy and for him that is enough. He would have rather had her and the attachment that came with it - the happiness that followed - than live his life without knowing of it.

* * *

The first true reality, according to buddha, is that life is painful (_dukkha)_.

The second true reality, according to buddha, is that the origin of that dukkha is attachment. It is the craving (_tanhā_)for things we can become attached to that leads to renewed being.

* * *

The last two true realities you can probably find on wikipedia. I got it from a book called An Introduction to Buddhism written by Peter Harvey.

I don't think I've ever used my knowledge on the subject as much as I did in this fic. I don't particularly like buddhism because it teaches that those who wishes to reach nirvana have to let go of attachment. That means letting go of the feelings you have for those you love. I won't be able to ever do that, not in this life at least.

Anyway. I thought it fitting to use that religion as that is basically what Ao's fall is based on. Shintō was until the Meiji restoration an integrated part of buddhism and not an independent entity so ... well, yeah. I won't go into a lecture here. Basically since Kuro is a fully ordained monk he would have all the teachings drilled into his brains and so I thought something like this could basically hold him back.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. It got more complicated and more time consuming than I'd assumed. But well, now it's out of the way and I can get back to more important things.

Reviews are love!


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